Currently Reading Top Ten of Everything 2006 (Top 10 of Everything) By Russell Ash see related

I'm much nicer then I used to be, however, I still feel the need to make a list every once in a while. So I give you now (still trying to think of a topic.....)

10) Accidentally die (oops!)
I feel like this would be pretty bad because no one would remember 10 years later. Like if you slipped and fell off a stepladder, or just got gangrene or santigola. An unfortunate accidental death, to be sure.

9) Get 'noised' to death.
Like for instance, you're in someone’s car with a huge stereo system, and he gets out to go drop off a key to his ex girlfriend because he just got kicked out of her apartment because she caught him in bed with a 400lb Russian woman, and so they're yelling at each other, and you're in the car by yourself. So you turn up the volume as high as it can go, just to check, and then you cant figure out how to turn it down or off, and you cant figure out how to get out of the car, so you just die. That’s some serious p0wnge.

8) Crushed to Death by aforementioned Russian woman.
you know, you're just hanging out with they guys, and you're playing some truth or dare, and one thing leads to another......

7) Grilled
...out nicely,(oh!) in my white tee. Or on south beach,(oh!) in my wife-b....

Or not, but I'm talking about a slow roast over a propane fire. Man, that would suck

.

6) The Rack.
A classic medieval torture technique. Priceless. and REALLY SUCKY. I mean, getting drawn and quartered? Bad times for the old internal organs, and I guess, everything else.

5) Insulted to death
This would be bad, because it would kind of end up being death from either starvation, or from having low spirits. I mean, can you imagine, being tied to a chair and having two british guys rotating shifts just telling you that you've got bad taste in furniture or something. That would be rough.

4) Decomposition
Just slowly falling apart.as you lead your life and there's nothing you can do about it. And everyone’s watching, and you're naked, and you're embarrassed, and you start to cry, but that just speeds up the process. Let me just say, bad times.

3) Raptor Mauling
On top of being horrifically painful, It's also almost 'I hope you brought a change of pants' scary.

2) Cheese Grated to death.
Until the other day, I would have said that this is number 1. When I say cheese grated to death, I mean, starting at the toes, going up the legs until the deed is done. MAD CRAZY PAINFUL and ridiculously insane and bad. super bad. nothing good about this.

finally, the number 1 worst way to die, ever:

1) Brokeback'd
I'm talking about locked in a room with 6 screens, one on every wall, and plus, they cut out your eyelids. No getting away from it, you're going to die very painfully. There is nothing in the world worse then this. I don’t think I need to describe the torture that would proceed the death. But it would be brutal.

Knock Knock Jokes: The Red-Headed Stepchild of Comedy.

So the other day, I was thinking about the last time I had used a Knock Knock joke( from here on out, refered to as a KKJ ), and it struck me that it had to have been sixth or seventh grade. And i might add, that at this point in my life, I was NOT cool.  AFter refering back to all the KKJs that I know, it struck me that not only were KKJs lame, but they were UBER LAME.

Now, normally, things that have the word "joke" in them are actually pretty much good times... i.e. Helen Keller Jokes, Dead Baby Jokes etc.  This being the case, I had to know for certain if KKJs were actaully as lame as I was making them out to be. So.....fortunately, I have in my possession, Doctor Knock-Knock's Official Knock- Knock Dictionary. So I made it my goal to read through it, and now looking back on it, wish that i had not. I wish that I had done somthing a little less destructive to my brain with my time, like put it into a wood chipper.

Upon reading some of these ABSOLUTLEY AWFUL KKJs contained within this book ( which was obviously meant for someone like Carrot Top ) I have seen that the best KKJ, and the only one that I knew beforehand goes somthing like this....

Knock knock
whos there?
orange
orange who?
Knock knock
whos there?
orange
orange who?
Knock knock
whos there?
orange
orange who?
Knock knock
whos there?
orange
orange who?
Orange you glad i didnt say bannana again?

before you get all riled up about the straight up BUTCHERY of this 3rd grade classic KKJ, I'd jsut like to say that this is how I remembered it, and its my website, so I can do whatever I want.

Before I reveal, for your enjoyment and astonishment, some KKJs from Doctor Knock-Knock's Official Knock- Knock Dictionary (which will henceforth be refered to as CTFB(which is obviously short for Carrot Top's favorite book)), I would like to break a KKJ down for you...to disect it, in a way, to see where the comedy is supposed to be coming from.
Knock Knock! (This is the word that we americans use to symbolize a rapping on wood, primarily, with regard to someone being at the door)
Who's there? (A contraction for "who is there". We assume there is a person within the inclosure that the aforementioned door provides inquiring into who is outside.)
*Sidenote* The following knock knock joke was takin from page 20 of Doctor Knock-Knock's Official Knock- Knock Dictionary.  The author of this website does not condone said knock knock joke  *End Sidenote*
Cigarette. (A tobacco product that should be used by only those who are eighteen and older. The Surgeon General does not condone the use of this KKJ either. Apparently, within the context of this joke, a cigarette is at the door.)
Cigarette who? (The aforementioned person within the aforementioned enclosure takes the thought of a cigarette being at his door very seriously, and chooses to ask for a last name or some other identifying agent.)
Cigarette life if you don't weaken. (The punchline. Now, If I were the aforementioned  person within the aforementioned enclosure, I would now grab a gun/shovel/crowbar, and see if this intruder with poor taste in punchlines wanted to actually make me laugh, or if they were just intent on making me want to kill myself just to rid myelf of the punchline of a joke from someone with the comedic sense of a microsoft word spell checker.)

As you can see, NOT FUNNY.
IF that isnt enough to convince you, I'll copy some prime examples from CTFB into this post.
Until next time, goodnight.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cello
Cello who?
Cello Dear.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Anthem
Anthem who?
You Anthem devil you!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Anna
Anna who?
Anna going to tell you.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Louisiana
Louisiana who?
Louisiana boy friend broke up

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Punch
Punch who?
Not me, I just got here!
(p.s. If you tell the above joke in public, everyone will hit you.)

Hostel: Single-handedly reforming America

Now, first off, I 'd like to say that I can handle my fair share of gratuitous violence and other disturbing images. I'd say more so then most people.
Going into this movie with Mr Kyle Andrew Wade, I was looking foward to a dramatic thriller with suspense and twist that Saw and Saw II had. Both of these fairly disturbing movies pale in comparison to the attrocity that is Hostel. I would say that both Saws seem more like saturday morning cartoons then actual scary movies.

I honestly dont understand what the point of this movie was. I sincerely hope that this was some sort of social commentary, stating how far we as a culture had fallen if a movie like this could permeate our movie theaters and recieve a decent amout of money opening weekend.

This is what the back of the DVD will say when Hostel is unfortunately released to the public....
       "Hostel" is rated R (Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian). It pushes the category to the limit with nonstop profanity, bigotry, drug use, nudity and a great deal of extremely graphic torture, dismemberment and murder"

Extremely graphic torture?
Eli Roth must have some extremely adolecent sadistic urges that only come out when they have to scar audiences everywhere.

On top of the horrific scenes and the awful images that are now forever imbued into my mind, oh, and the porn, lots and lots of it.... IS THAT IT WASN'T A GOOD MOVIE.

The characters were awful, the two heroes were douche bags, and the action plays straight out. No twists, no suprises. after the first 45 minutes go by, you can pretty much predict the rest of the movie. I mean, I did, cause I was staring at my lap for the last halk of it, listening to screams and power tools.

Ugh. Dont see this movie.

If you do see this movie, Im taking a drill to your knees.

actually, you know what?  this movie was such a horrible thing for me, that i think im gonna clean up my life, start going to church again and quit the cocaine...

Currently Listening Kidz Bop, Vol. 8 By Various Artists F^ck the police see related

Childrens Christmas Pageants: more fun then sodomizing yourself.

So, once again, as christmas roles around, I am forced to journey to church to watch the childrens annual depiction of the birth of Christ. Now, dont take this the wrong way, I'm all for christmas, its just the holiday spirit that comes with it that I dislike.  

For example. The whole "show", if you will, was filled with not so witty remarks from children that envoked a laugh from the entire crowd. Statements like "Totally!" and "I'm confused!" were commonplace, and apparently hilarous. I'm not sure who wrote that actuall rendition of the chirstmas story, but I do not enjoy them. They must have forgotten the 9th rule of comedy.
"...however much you would be tempted to put a child in as a comedic role, do not do so unless the child is crying." (Rogers and Hammerstein, 151)

Also, NO CHILDREN SINGING. I am opposed to this in all ways possible. Be it We sing sing-alongs,  or We sing happy songs or any other "we sing" that involves childrens voices and music, I DONT LIKE IT. UGH!! ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY GET TO SOLO. NOT ALLOWED!! 
:::Side note::: It's a fun game to look at the ground when the children are taking turns singing, and try to guess which gender the singer is. I myself went 2 for 4 :::End Side Note:::

And one more thing....
If you are going to go to the Childrens Musical at church, then walk out smiling and feeling at peace with mankind, you BETTER FREAKIN NOT CUT ME OFF IN THE PARKING LOT YOU JERK.

It's christmas eve, and im NOT BITTER